Perception

Leah: Recently, Warren’s counselor made a comment to me, that has me questioning my self awareness. Usually, my anxiety and insecurities compel me to question how I am perceived by other people. I often wonder how total strangers perceive me after an innocuous interaction at the grocery store...still, days after the interaction. I’m always certain that I exude that, “hot mess” sort of vibe. I’m sure that people can sense my awkwardness from a mile away. I’m positive that people can detect my anxiety and uncertainty while trying to form any type of response to a vague, benign conversation. Not to mention how off putting I can be with my total lack of a filter as to what comes out of my mouth. These are the ways I have always perceived myself. So, just a bit of a back story, I started taking Warren to counseling a year ago. He was having trouble with his own anxiety from trying to deal with where he fit in this world as a kid with a disability. On top of the range of emotions and uncertainty kids go through at this stage in life. I assured Warren that he could always talk to me about anything that was going on with him. I just felt he could benefit from counseling and being given a professional, unbiased perspective on things. The counselor Warren had was absolutely amazing. Warren didn’t view it as a chore to go because he and his counselor had fun. I found the man to be funny, intelligent and very relatable. I was always candid and open with him about Warren’s anxiety being in his DNA, because I suffered greatly from it. Anyway, this last counseling session, Warren decided that he was doing well, feeling good, had pretty good control over his anxiety, and he didn’t need counseling anymore. I agreed that he had, in fact, been doing better and ultimately it was Warren’s decision. Well, we didn’t know, going into the appointment, that it would be our last appointment. So, at the end of the session, it turns into our goodbyes, essentially. The counselor is jokingly pointing out (for the umpteenth time) my inability to go to the library. (Seriously, new situations, where I don’t know the lay of the land or how things work, unless I absolutely HAVE to, I totally won’t do it. The library is one of those many places, for me.) I say, to Warren, “Well, what do we all know Mom is?” Warren loudly declares, “Awkward!” The counselor genuinely looks shocked at this admission and deadpans me when he says, “Awkward, really? I would never consider you awkward. I find you to be very poised and put together.” I kid you not! My mouth was no doubt hanging open as I looked behind me to make sure he wasn’t talking to someone else. He says, “No, seriously, I mean it.” I said to him, apprehensively, “Why, thank you, I don’t think anyone has ever described me as poised before.” I mean, we’re talking about a person with a psychology degree, just gave his perceived analysis of me. Maybe my stealth game is on point and I just didn’t realize it? Maybe I’m projecting a facade of calm while I feel all awkward, anxious, “hot mess” inside? No, who am I kidding, I’m starting to think he totally used reverse psychology on me. Warren, hit me up child, what do you think about all of this... or anything in general? Warren: In all seriousness, I think you are very poised, Mom. You just see yourself as awkward and therefore you feel awkward, even when you’re not. I don’t think you’re an awkward person. You just think you are because you think about it too much. Leah: Are you trying to say, if I thought about myself as being poised and put together, I’d feel as though I was perceived that way by other people as well? Warren: For example, if I take a deep breath and I think about my responses, I can say the whole sentence in a really calm manner. I’m talking to you right now in a really calm manner because I am constructing it as I go along. Leah: Why are you so smart? Stop it! No, don’t stop it, I love that you’re so smart. Warren: What can I say, I’m intellectually gifted. I can’t stop my gift. Leah: No, you’re right, you need to keep giving that gift to people as well. Maybe, you should start an advice column and call it, “Warren’s Wisdom.” Warren: I’d call it, “Warren’s Witty Wisdom.” Leah: “Wise Words from Wazza.” Warren: I like that one too, but I’m sticking with “Warren’s Witty Wisdom.” Leah: Fair enough.